Tuesday, June 14, 2011

One Of Those Days

It's one of those days. A dreary, misty morning, cool with showers on and off. One of those days that makes you feel like staying in your pj's, get done what has to get done, then think. I have had days like this recently where I want to ponder my life asking myself, "what do I really want to do?" I have accepted that I may be living in the wrong place for what I want to do...what excites me...this area is dead! People don't have $$$ to spend on much more than the necessities. Who is going to buy my paintings? Retail is bad, period.

I keep writing pros and cons and really get in touch with my feelings, not just using the logical mind. Maybe what I want I cannot have, so I have to make the best of my life as it is or think of something that I can do that makes me happy and that works for me, even if that something is being alone during the day and forgetting about the outside world and stop trying to fit in a place that doesn't exist.

I'm going to pull out of the antique store in CT the end of the month. I'm in the hole and wouldn't stay there through another winter, not to mention it's a hassle having to find a parking space to carry tubs in there just to lose $$$ and merchandise. Just another thing that doesn't make sense to keep doing, unless it was fun and made me happy...doesn't.

So, what do I do with my space at Pinewood Park? I keep asking myself this question. Losing $$$ and am too far in the hole to ever make a profit, yet I keep it as an outlet...a place that's all mine away from home in a place that I like. I just have no support from the community no matter how much I advertise. A stray customer once in a great while...no one coming around that warrants keeping regular hours. So it's "by chance or appointment." It's not working...yet. So I'm not there for the money. I'm there hoping things will change. Waiting for someone to rent the old stove shop in the front that would bring in some "bodies!" The restaurant next to the stove shop doesn't open till 4PM...that was a huge surprise as they used to be open for lunch all week...now not! That changed everything. No one is there on Saturday - I'm in the middle of offices. So no one around me helps bring the public around nor do the people in those offices come in to even say, "hi." What is wrong with people, anyway? I am not like them...if there was a shop that opened near me I would at least be curious to see what they were offering and introduce myself. And the people who know me have never stopped by...no one is that friendly...no one will go out of their way to be "nice." They're friendly when they see me in town...then shun me where my shop is concerned. No wonder that I am depressed with life...sometimes I feel staying away from society is to be my true self...or is my calling. Maybe I need to forget about people, period, and stay home and write. Play on Facebook, write my blogs, and maybe put something together to submit to someone in the Writer's Market Book. I don't know. Cleaning the house and only cleaning the house is so not what I want to do with the rest of my life. The clutter will always be there. There has to be more.

That's why I like days like this. Days where I am not obligated to be anywhere at a certain time. Don't have anyone to please but myself. My animals are all set for the morning...they'll sleep all day...I'm free to do as I please, but what is that? Seems I have always needed outside motivation to light a fire under myself to do something special...something I can get excited about. It's my job to learn what excites me and just do it...if it's within what I am able to do. Oh well, one of these days I will have that "ah-ha moment" and will act on my newly found idea or thought. One that will satisfy what has been missing, then I will discover something I have ignored until that time.

Time to stop writing...but a very good day to do more thinking.

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