~ One of my special journals ~
You know how you feel as you live day-to-day and year-to-year searching for that place where you belong and are working at what you like. It can take a lifetime to really get it! To not care what people think of you because in the end you know you need to stay away from the gossip and be the observer. You can tell when so many know if they support you and your creativity or what they see as success would be empowering you, and that's not what most people want to do. They feel they're losing their own power. I had a friend out west who treated me that way. Looking back, I see it has been that way with locals, too, the last two decades with my art and gift shop. God forbid they come in and even look around...and so now...pft...I could care less. Little jealous people.
The first thing I did was sign my name as sole ownership and drew my "self portrait" as I would be the most comfortable being. :)
If you knew me you would know I was generous to a fault with my friends and sometimes for those who didn't really know me. You also then know the ones who aren't jealous of what I've done or accomplished because they would stop by and visit and call when in town. But family - they are the worst! I have seen it all and treated badly by the ones I have treated the best. So I don't try to fit in with groups or family or old friends who don't want to hear from me or see me. I am so comfortable alone that I don't "go first" at anything anymore. People I entertained and cooked for when we lived in other states that live back here...back home...right. You think we ever got an invitation? Hahaha...sad and hurtful at the beginning. Now after 3 decades living in the same house in our home state, people are not invited and I don't entertain and cook for people anymore. Now I am in the years of " the crone" and spend my life feeding animals and painting and cooking for my husband. I did what was expected of me and now I'm done with that. I don't chase anyone anymore. I don't try to repair friendships anymore...I know I'm not welcome and so I enjoy my own company and especially enjoy not going along with the crowd. Now when I'm left out of projects where my resources could be of benefit, I don't care and don't call to be a part because someone tells me to contact a person who wants an old picture of my great grandfather for his documentary that he's been working on for 7 years!! Yup...that long. So I knew this felt off. Why would I contact someone who has known me for decades, whose mother I went to school with, when he could have contacted me in the last 7 years had he wanted my contribution for his current craft project as a film maker? Am I crazy...I think not. I will not seek out anyone because they are "successful" and who knows how to contact me. Around these parts, if you do something where you have a large following, are good at what you do, well known, then they think they are better than the rest of us that they have known for so long but are not worthy of their coming to you!
I could go on and on and on with examples of what people do and how they act toward me but I won't. So I go first at...not chasing...not going first. Life is tough enough, especially now with the world coming to an end as we know it. I am doing things that make me feel good. Animals and spirituality are my priorities. I communicate with the few people that like me for me, and have my sacred and creative life and join virtually with the ones I have things in common with and who I feel comfortable with their energy.
I love this life and love the learning and knowing that has unfolded as I look back. Now I look ahead learning to be comfortable in my "crone years" and will continue to be true to me. I will continue to observe people but will not let the outside world change me...dragging me into the old dried up junk the others still drag their own feet through.
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